Jane has been feeling sad because she doesn’t know how to help her boyfriend Paul. She knows he is depressed but she doesn’t know how to comfort him. What if she says or does the wrong thing? Should she give him space like he asks or should she stay by his side?
Many of us have been Jane at one point in time. We have wondered what to do when our partner, friend or family member is or was depressed.
I myself have been there too, wondering how to help a loved one who was depressed.
If you have been in this position before, then this blog post is for you.
In this blog post, I discuss some practical ways you can help and support your loved one whether your partner, your friend or family member who is depressed.
What Happens When Your Loved One is Depressed?
When your partner, family member or friend is depressed, they start acting or showing some signs like:
- Losing interest in the things or activities they use to love.
- Having difficulty sleeping e.g sleeping too much or sleeping too little.
- Distancing themselves from their friends and families.
- Weight loss/weight gain due to changes in their appetite.
- Getting angry, frustrated or irritated over little or insignificant things.
- Having constant stomach aches.
- Feelings of shame and guilt over past mistakes.
- Having conversations about suicide, mentioning suicidal thoughts in conversations or taking suicidal actions like buying dangerous items.
- Using drugs or alcohol.
- Talking about feeling tired constantly.
- Being nervous and anxious constantly.
How to Help a Loved One Suffering from Depression?
According to a 2024 study, youths who received family/friends’ support when they were depressed, had reduced depressive symptoms. This goes to show how important it is that you support your loved ones when they go through depression.
To support or help your partner, friend, or family member who is depressed, here are 4 practical ways to do it:
- Listen to them without judgement.
- Show support and encouragement.
- Encourage them to seek mental health support.
- Be patient with them.
Listen to Them Without Judgement
When your loved one is depressed, they tend to withdraw and isolate themselves but there are times when they want to talk.
During those times, you must be ready to listen without judging them. While you may not understand what they are going through, you must not invalidate their feelings or make them think it is useless.
Listen with empathy and acknowledge their feelings and emotions.
Show Support and Encouragement
When your loved one is depressed, your support and encouragement is invaluable. Just letting them know that you are there for them will go a long way.
How to show support and encouragement even when they are asking for space.
There is a difference between emotional space and emotional distance. Emotional space is when you give them room to think, feel and process their emotions while still showing them love and care.
While emotional distance is when you shut down or withdraw from someone which can make them feel abandoned or ignored.
So, when your partner asks for space, what they actually need from you is quiet support like knowing you are there for them without the pressure to talk or explain everything. What you should do is give them emotional space i.e stepping back a little, but still being there when they need you.
Here are some tips to help you do this:
- Regularly check in on them with calls, messages, home visits, etc.
- Send them kind messages and words of encouragement.
- Send them thoughtful gifts of love.
- If you are a believer, pray for them and let them know you are praying for them.
- Help them handle some daily/basic things in their life like household chores, homework, etc.
- Make plans with them like going to the gym together, going out together or watching a movie together etc.
In this way, you can show support to them without disappearing from their life. Remember, this must be done gently not forcefully.
Encourage Them to Seek Professional Support-
Encouraging them to get help is the best support you can give. If there is one major thing you can do for a depressed partner, friend or family member, it is encouraging them to get professional support.
Nothing you do or say can replace professional support or therapy. So, you need to try to gently persuade them to see a therapist.
You can do your research and recommend therapists they can go to. You can send them links to book a therapy session, give them the number of a therapist, etc.
Also, let them know that you will be there to support them all the way. For example, driving them to their appointments, making sure they don’t miss their therapy sessions etc.
Be Patient with Them
One thing you must accept is that you can’t make a loved one’s depression go away. You can’t fix it or wish it away.
So, you must be patient with them. Yes, you can offer support and encouragement but at the end of the day, their total recovery from depression is in their hands.
So, during this period, be supportive, encouraging, patient and do not take things personally.
What to Say to Your Loved Ones When They’re Depressed?
Knowing the right words to say when your loved one is depressed is very important. Saying something like “just be strong” is not really the most encouraging thing to say. Rather, it could come off as you calling them weak for being depressed.
Here are some thoughtful words to say when your loved one is depressed:
“I love you and I care about you.”
“You’re not alone in this.”
“You will come out of this and I will stick with you through it”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“It is okay to feel this way.”
“I am willing to talk anytime you want.”
Things You Should Never Say to a Loved One Who is Depressed, Even If Your Intentions are Good.
Sometimes when our loved ones are depressed, we end up saying some certain things that look fine to us but might be hurtful to them. Even though we have good intentions, these words still hurt.
For example, saying words like:
“Other people are going through far worse.”
“Snap out of it.”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Be grateful and stop all this.”
“Maybe you’re just in a bad mood.”
“This is Naija. Everybody is depressed.”
“It’s because you don’t have money.”
Avoid saying these things. It might come off as you trying to downplay their feelings. And although some might sound like a joke, it can be very hurtful.
How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Them
Caring for a depressed loved one can be very draining and that is the honest truth. The constant rejection from them and worry for them can get too much at times.
This is why you need to also make sure you take care of yourself while offering them support. After all, you cannot pour from an empty cup or give what you do not have.
Here are some tips to help you take care of yourself while supporting a depressed loved one:
- Accept and admit that supporting someone with depression is not easy: Sometimes, it can be overwhelming. It doesn’t mean you’re selfish, you are just being honest.
- Set boundaries when needed: It is okay to set limits and take breaks. Just because you want to be supportive doesn’t mean you should be available 24/7.
- Talk to a therapist or counselor: You also need a safe space to express your feelings and worries. That is why you need to talk to someone. Don’t keep it in. Let someone know what you are going through so you can receive support too.
- Take time off without guilt. There are times when you need to take a break when supporting a loved one. So, don’t feel guilty about it. It is okay to take time for your own self-care.
Conclusion
As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, when your loved one is depressed, it can be worrisome and you might start to doubt yourself. You might not even be sure that what you are doing is helpful.
However, it is. The fact that you show up, ask about them, and show gestures of love goes a long way even though they don’t show it.
And you can book a therapy session for them or yourself here. Our qualified therapists are always ready to help you.