Childhood Trauma: How to Heal and Move Forward

Many of us act in certain ways and adopt certain attitudes due to the experiences we had or witnessed as a child. These events or situations were so traumatic that they still affect us even in adulthood.

It influences our behaviors, attitudes, self-esteem, our relationships, our work and just how we relate with others in general.

It is so common that a Nigerian publication revealed that 58% of Nigerian youths had experienced traumatic experience in their childhood.

Yet, many of us don’t even realize how much our behaviors and struggles like anxiety, trust issues, people-pleasing traits, etc., are as a result of the trauma we experienced in childhood.

So, in this blog post, I shall talk about childhood trauma, how it shows up even when you are older and most importantly, the steps you can take to begin healing from it.

Meaning of Childhood Trauma

Childhood trauma is a painful, violent, fearful or negative event or experience you went through as a child. It could also be an experience you saw or witnessed from others when you were a child.

It doesn't matter if it was a one-time event or it happened more than once.

What matters was that it was so impactful that it causes you to act or behave in certain ways or have certain emotions even when you are older.

For example, if your parents were often angry or distant to you when you were young, you might have learned to act extra nice or do things to keep them happy, even if it meant ignoring your own needs. As a result, you can end up being a people-pleaser as an adult trying to keep everyone happy.

      Examples of Events or Experiences that Could Cause Childhood Trauma

  1. Sexual Abuse- When a child is abused sexually, it can become a traumatic experience that can affect them later in life.
  2. Domestic Violence: When a child continuously sees his/her parents fighting and arguing, it can affect his view of relationships in the future.
  3. Loss of Loved One: If you lost a loved one e.g parent, sibling, etc., as a child, it can traumatize you.
  4. Bullying: If you were made fun of, hit, or ignored by your classmates at school every day, it can affect your self-esteem even when you become an adult
  5. Physical Abuse: If you were constantly getting beaten as a child, it can affect you even when you're older and you might see physical pain as a sign of love in relationships.
  6. Emotional Abuse- if you were emotionally abused e.g always being compared to others as a kid, it can make you develop a low self-esteem that extends even till adulthood.

Other examples are parental neglect or abandonment, separation trauma or divorce, car accidents, etc.

Effects of Childhood Trauma on Adults

As mentioned earlier, childhood trauma can be so impactful that it can still affect you even in adulthood. Here are some effects of childhood trauma in adults:

  • Trust issues: If you were constantly being abandoned or betrayed as a child, you might find it hard to open up to others later in life. For example, someone who had an absentee father or a father who kept leaving may find it hard to trust others.
  • Anger issues: Trauma can make you feel constantly angry or irritated. For example, if you were constantly beaten or yelled at as a child, you might find yourself yelling or beating others when you become an adult.
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): This is when your past memories keep coming back and triggers certain emotions in you like fear, panic, etc. For instance, if you saw your parents fighting constantly as a child, you might feel scared or panic when you see or hear a couple having an argument.
  • Relationship issues: Maintaining a healthy relationship is not very easy if you experienced a traumatic event as a child as regards relationships.  For example, if you grew up with parents with a toxic relationship, you may find yourself avoiding romantic relationships or even pushing people away.
  • Low self-esteem, self-image or self-doubt: If you were constantly bullied as a child for your body size or looks, it may affect the way you see yourself even when you are older.
  • Attachment issues: As an adult, you may find yourself either being too clingy or distant especially when you are in a relationship maybe because you were neglected as a child.

Other effects of childhood trauma on adults are eating disorders, drug abuse and alcoholism, social anxiety, depression, etc.

How to Heal from Your Childhood Trauma

Now that you know just how much your childhood trauma can affect you, here are some steps to help you heal from it.

  1. Acknowledge Your Experience and Forgive: Childhood trauma is a painful experience and many of us bottle up our feelings and don't talk about it. Some decide to forget. Others do things to take their mind off it.

But the truth is you can't move forward until you acknowledge how that experience affected you. You need to really feel those suppressed emotions like anger, pain and grief. It is after you acknowledge them that you will be able to take the next step on your journey of healing.

So, take time to examine some of your behaviors and how it connects to what you experienced as a child and then take steps to change each one.

  1. Talk to a Therapist or Mental Health Professional: One of the best way to heal from the negative effects of your childhood trauma is to go for therapy. In therapy, you will be able to find the root cause of your emotions and behaviors. You will also learn how to process your experience as a child and how much it has affected you.

Therapy will also help you identify your triggers and learn some coping techniques to help you handle the effects of the trauma and change your thoughts about it.

Our therapists are experienced in popular therapy procedures for healing from childhood trauma like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trauma-focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy etc. Click here to book your first therapy session.

  1. Journaling: This is a very good way to process your childhood trauma and the effects it had on you. Writing down your feelings and experiences will help you let go and make changes. It will also help you identify your triggers and help you heal. You can learn more about the benefits of journaling here.
  2. Mindfulness and Meditation: Mindfulness will help you become more aware of your present feelings and emotion and how your past is affecting you. While meditation will help you calm your mind, feel less anxious, and really feel those emotions you have been suppressing as a child.
  3. Spend Time with The Right People: if you grew up in a toxic family or environment, it may affect the way you see relationships whether platonic or romantic. So, you need to start spending time around people who treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

Changing your environment will also show you what heathy relationships look like so you can learn from it.

  1. Be Patient and Kind to Yourself: Things would not change immediately. It is a step by step process. You don't have to worry about ‘getting over it’ quickly. So, be patient with yourself and acknowledge how far you have come.

Does Childhood Trauma Ever Go Away?

With therapy and the right intervention like those mentioned above, it can but it will take time. Through therapy, meditation, mindfulness, etc., you will become more aware and be able to identify your triggers and be on the way to recovery.

Conclusion

No matter what you experienced as a kid, it is never too late to get help and start living the happier and mentally healthy life you should be living. Remember, the trauma wasn't your fault, but healing is your responsibility

To get started, book a therapy session with us today and our qualified therapists will help you unpack your childhood trauma and help you move past it.

by Sarah Agagu

What is Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)? Causes, Signs, Treatment

In Nigeria, Autism Spectrum Disorder seems like a faraway condition you only hear about in movies and dramas. But it is more common than you think. A study revealed that about 600,000 children in Nigeria are autistic which means about 1 in 200 children in Nigeria are on the Autism Spectrum.

Therefore, it is very important that you know what Autism Spectrum Disorder is, its signs and how it can be treated.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

This is a neurological/ brain condition that affects how a person talks, learn and relate with other people. Cleveland defines it as a difference in brain functioning that affects how a person communicates and interacts with others. According to WHO, It is a disorder that affects 1 in 100 children globally.

ASD is different for different people i.e there are different ranges of symptoms and degree of seriousness.

While some autistic persons might have difficulty speaking, others might not. Some may require support and may not be able to live independently and others may be able to live on their own without support.

Some autistic persons can also be highly intelligent while some may not be. This is the reason why it is called a spectrum.

Autism is a lifelong condition i.e people with autism will have to live with it forever. However, early support and intervention can go a long way.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), Autism Spectrum Disorder is 4 times more common among boys than girls. It can be diagnosed as early as when a child is 2 years old.

Also, it should be noted that your looks, background, diet, parenting style, etc., has no impact on whether you are autistic or not.

Autism Spectrum Disorder Test: How Is ASD Diagnosed?

It is very important that an ASD test or diagnosis is carried out early because early intervention will go a long way in helping an autistic person manage their symptoms and live a normal life.

An ASD test can be done as early as when a child is 2 years old and even younger. Unfortunately, most ASD patients are diagnosed when they are older which may prevent them from enjoying the benefits of early intervention.

To diagnose ASD, specialists/pediatricians will ask the child some certain questions and interact with them. They might also refer him/her to an ASD specialist for further observations and screening.

The most common criteria for diagnosis are the DSM-5-TR and the ICD-11.

Causes of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

There is no scientifically proven cause of ASD. However, there are risk factors i.e factors that can increase a child's risk of being autistic. They are:

  • Late/early child birth.
  • Gestational diabetes
  • Family history e.g having a family member with ASD, etc.

Signs and Symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder

While the signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder vary depending on the person, there are a few common signs to tell if someone is autistic. They are:

  1. Repetition of certain movements/sounds.
  2. Repeated patterns of behavior and activities.
  3. Avoidance of eye contact.
  4. Lack of interest in the people or things around them.
  5. Difficulty understanding social cues and rules like sarcasm, humor, etc.
  6. Difficulty/slowness in speaking.
  7. Strong interest and knowledge of unusual subjects like trains, maps, numbers, etc.
  8. Sticking to a particular routine or arrangement and refusing to change it.
  9. Hyper sensitivity to certain sounds/noises like alarms, busy streets, etc.
  10. Indifference to other people's emotions.
  11. Resistance to certain levels of physical contact.

Note:

  1. As mentioned earlier, ASD is different for each person. The signs or symptoms an autistic person shows depends on where they are in the autism spectrum. Also, the symptoms experienced can change overtime as they get older.
  2. If an autistic person is diagnosed early and receives early intervention, they may experience lower degrees of these symptoms.
  3. A person could show some of these symptoms and not be autistic. This is why a ASD test or evaluation must be carried out by a qualified healthcare professional.

Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorder

There is no specific treatment of ASD since it is not a disease. It cannot be cured, However, it can be managed.

Once an autistic person especially a child is evaluated/tested as autistic by a pediatric psychologist or child neurologist or a healthcare provider specializing in ASD, the next step is to help them manage the symptoms so it doesn't affect their daily life.

Here are some ways to manage it:

  1. Therapy: Therapy is very useful for autistic persons especially those who experience anxiety, depression, etc. It will help them to recognize and manage their emotions like anger, anxiety, etc. It will also help them learn coping strategies to handle uncomfortable situations or unexpected changes.

An example of a therapy procedure useful for an autistic person is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Other therapies they can try are:

  • Speech Therapy/ Speech-Language Therapy- This will help them improve their communication skills like pronouncing words, vocabulary, staying on topic in conversations, etc.
  • Family Therapy: Autism doesn’t just affect the autistic person but also their families. Through family therapy, the parents and siblings will learn about autism and how they can communicate with their child or family member.
  1. Treatment of Conditions Occurring Alongside Autism Spectrum Disorder: There are certain conditions that autistic peoples experience in addition to the symptoms of ASD such Anxiety disorder, Bipolar disorder, ADHD, etc.

Treating these conditions will also go a long way in helping an autistic person to manage their symptoms.

  1. Medications- Autism Spectrum Disorder has no cure. However, there are medications that can be used to manage and reduce specific symptoms like mood swings, anxiety, etc. Examples of them are antidepressants, simulants, etc.

These medications should only be used at the recommendation of a healthcare provider as some of them have side effects.

  1. Social Skills Training (SST) - This is to help children with ASD learn to interact in a social setting and handle social interactions. It helps them to understand social cues, facial expressions, body language, etc.
  2. Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA): This is an approach based on the principles of behavior psychology which helps children with ASD to understand and improve their social, communication, academic and living skills through positive reinforcement. Although it takes time, it has long-lasting benefits.

Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD

Many people tend to confuse ASD with ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity Disorder but they are two different conditions. Autistic persons struggle with interacting normally and understanding social behaviors. However, persons with ADHD can be social but they just struggle with the need for constant activity and are easily distracted due to their hyperactive nature.

Can Autism Spectrum Disorder Be Cured?

No. Autism is a brain condition not a disease. So it cannot be cured. However, the symptoms can be managed so an autistic person can live a normal and quality life. Through early treatment and support, this can be done.

Conclusion

ASD is not a disease. It just means that the person's brain works differently from most people. Through early diagnosis and management, their symptoms can be reduced and they may be able to lead quality lives.

 

by Sarah Agagu

How to Help a Loved One Suffering from Depression Without Feeling Helpless?

Jane has been feeling sad because she doesn't know how to help her boyfriend Paul. She knows he is depressed but she doesn't know how to comfort him. What if she says or does the wrong thing? Should she give him space like he asks or should she stay by his side?

Many of us have been Jane at one point in time. We have wondered what to do when our partner, friend or family member is or was depressed.

I myself have been there too, wondering how to help a loved one who was depressed.

If you have been in this position before, then this blog post is for you.

In this blog post, I discuss some practical ways you can help and support your loved one whether your partner, your friend or family member who is depressed.

   What Happens When Your Loved One is Depressed?

When your partner, family member or friend is depressed, they start acting or showing some signs like:

  • Losing interest in the things or activities they use to love.
  • Having difficulty sleeping e.g sleeping too much or sleeping too little.
  • Distancing themselves from their friends and families.
  • Weight loss/weight gain due to changes in their appetite.
  • Getting angry, frustrated or irritated over little or insignificant things.
  • Having constant stomach aches.
  • Feelings of shame and guilt over past mistakes.
  • Having conversations about suicide, mentioning suicidal thoughts in conversations or taking suicidal actions like buying dangerous items.
  • Using drugs or alcohol.
  • Talking about feeling tired constantly.
  • Being nervous and anxious constantly.

How to Help a Loved One Suffering from Depression?

According to a 2024 study, youths who received family/friends’ support when they were depressed, had reduced depressive symptoms. This goes to show how important it is that you support your loved ones when they go through depression.

To support or help your partner, friend, or family member who is depressed, here are 4 practical ways to do it:

  1. Listen to them without judgement.
  2. Show support and encouragement.
  3. Encourage them to seek mental health support.
  4. Be patient with them.

 

Listen to Them Without Judgement

When your loved one is depressed, they tend to withdraw and isolate themselves but there are times when they want to talk.

During those times, you must be ready to listen without judging them. While you may not understand what they are going through, you must not invalidate their feelings or make them think it is useless.

Listen with empathy and acknowledge their feelings and emotions.

Show Support and Encouragement

When your loved one is depressed, your support and encouragement is invaluable. Just letting them know that you are there for them will go a long way.

How to show support and encouragement even when they are asking for space.

There is a difference between emotional space and emotional distance. Emotional space is when you give them room to think, feel and process their emotions while still showing them love and care.

While emotional distance is when you shut down or withdraw from someone which can make them feel abandoned or ignored.

So, when your partner asks for space, what they actually need from you is quiet support like knowing you are there for them without the pressure to talk or explain everything. What you should do is give them emotional space i.e stepping back a little, but still being there when they need you.

Here are some tips to help you do this:

  • Regularly check in on them with calls, messages, home visits, etc.
  • Send them kind messages and words of encouragement.
  • Send them thoughtful gifts of love.
  • If you are a believer, pray for them and let them know you are praying for them.
  • Help them handle some daily/basic things in their life like household chores, homework, etc.
  • Make plans with them like going to the gym together, going out together or watching a movie together etc.

 

In this way, you can show support to them without disappearing from their life. Remember, this must be done gently not forcefully.

Encourage Them to Seek Professional Support-

Encouraging them to get help is the best support you can give. If there is one major thing you can do for a depressed partner, friend or family member, it is encouraging them to get professional support.

Nothing you do or say can replace professional support or therapy. So, you need to try to gently persuade them to see a therapist.

You can do your research and recommend therapists they can go to. You can send them links to book a therapy session, give them the number of a therapist, etc.

Also, let them know that you will be there to support them all the way. For example, driving them to their appointments, making sure they don't miss their therapy sessions etc.

Be Patient with Them

One thing you must accept is that you can't make a loved one’s depression go away. You can't fix it or wish it away.

So, you must be patient with them. Yes, you can offer support and encouragement but at the end of the day, their total recovery from depression is in their hands.

So, during this period, be supportive, encouraging, patient and do not take things personally.

 

What to Say to Your Loved Ones When They're Depressed?

Knowing the right words to say when your loved one is depressed is very important. Saying something like "just be strong" is not really the most encouraging thing to say. Rather, it could come off as you calling them weak for being depressed.

Here are some thoughtful words to say when your loved one is depressed:

“I love you and I care about you.”

“You're not alone in this.”

“You will come out of this and I will stick with you through it”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It is okay to feel this way.”

“I am willing to talk anytime you want.”

 

Things You Should Never Say to a Loved One Who is Depressed, Even If Your Intentions are Good.

Sometimes when our loved ones are depressed, we end up saying some certain things that look fine to us but might be hurtful to them. Even though we have good intentions, these words still hurt.

For example, saying words like:

“Other people are going through far worse.”

“Snap out of it.”

“Pull yourself together.”

“Be grateful and stop all this.”

“Maybe you're just in a bad mood.”

“This is Naija. Everybody is depressed.”

“It's because you don't have money.”

 

Avoid saying these things. It might come off as you trying to downplay their feelings. And although some might sound like a joke, it can be very hurtful.

How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Them

Caring for a depressed loved one can be very draining and that is the honest truth. The constant rejection from them and worry for them can get too much at times.

This is why you need to also make sure you take care of yourself while offering them support. After all, you cannot pour from an empty cup or give what you do not have.

Here are some tips to help you take care of yourself while supporting a depressed loved one:

  1. Accept and admit that supporting someone with depression is not easy: Sometimes, it can be overwhelming. It doesn't mean you're selfish, you are just being honest.
  2. Set boundaries when needed: It is okay to set limits and take breaks. Just because you want to be supportive doesn't mean you should be available 24/7.
  3. Talk to a therapist or counselor: You also need a safe space to express your feelings and worries. That is why you need to talk to someone. Don't keep it in. Let someone know what you are going through so you can receive support too.
  4. Take time off without guilt. There are times when you need to take a break when supporting a loved one. So, don't feel guilty about it. It is okay to take time for your own self-care.

Conclusion

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, when your loved one is depressed, it can be worrisome and you might start to doubt yourself. You might not even be sure that what you are doing is helpful.

However, it is. The fact that you show up, ask about them, and show gestures of love goes a long way even though they don't show it.

And you can book a therapy session for them or yourself here. Our qualified therapists are always ready to help you.

 

by Sarah Agagu